Finally

I am a little embarrassed, yet elated to say, it took me 58 years to connect with the Holy Spirit. I now understand so much that I have heard and read and sang about, countless times, but did not feel. The words in the bible have new meaning, as do the worship songs and all the talk of the peace of God and the joy from the Spirit. Let me tell you a little of what happened. I was in the deepest despair of my life. I was so tired of my battle for so many years with depression, and unhappiness and most of all, upset with the way it affected those close to me. I have tried medication and prayed many years and was finally at the end of my rope. I called out to God to either fix me or please take my life. I did not want to continue with this battle anymore because of the shame I felt from being such a burden to the one person I Love so much.  That evening as I sat on the edge of my mattress on the floor, I started to pray and cry. I thought Phimpha was gone for the night but she came in and seen me crying, so naturally we started to talk. We went over some verses in the bible, that God, had given her a few minutes earlier, in answer to what she, was praying for. Then as we talked she said, just now, God has told me verses that he wants you to read. I turned to it and started to read verse 6 and she said start at 5, so I backed up a verse. As I read, more and more tears began to flow and I had feelings like I have never known before from the touch of the Spirit. We talked and I cried. Most of the night I was awake, praying and confessing to God about the selfishness I could now see in my life.  I slept a couple of hours and when I awoke in the morning I was feeling like I had been hit by a Mack truck, but there was a smile on my face. I had unimaginable feelings of joy.  I smiled and cried and talked all day hoping it would hold. It has only been a week, but I know God has totally changed my life. God will not take back a gift He has given you. I do not understand how He did it but I can smile now at will. Unless you have been where I was, you can never know what that means. My face hurt for a few days from using muscles I had not used much before. I feel like a baby starting over with life. Phimpha cannot believe the change. We hurt those closest to us the most. My first wife Darlene also knows that, all too well. There is no way to take back all the bad past. I can only ask for forgiveness from God and those I have hurt. I am now going through all the new emotions and insight that comes with the Holy Spirit. Those of you who are connected know what I mean. Those who have never connected will not understand until they do. I urge you to never give up seeking Him and the gift He wants to give all of us. I, through my selfishness, which I did not see before, is what was blocking Him. He calls and speaks to all of us, but if your mind is not on His service, if you concentrate more on your needs instead of trying to help those around you, you will never know Him, through His Holy Spirit. For me the best way to describe the bottom was my inability to change myself. To stop hurting the ones I loved. God was not my first love. I see that now. I worked hardest to make Phimpha happy, as I believe most of us do in our marriages. I felt so worthless before God that evening. It is the letting go of ourselves that allows the Holy Spirit to work in us. I continue to Thank Him for His patience with me. Where to now? I do not know, but I know I have someone who will take me there as long as I remain humble enough to hear.

I have always known that God has a sense of humor. He has to have because we are made in His image. Anyway for many months while on Facebook and reading some of the posts from my Thai friends I would see them respond with 555 and nothing more. I could never figure it out till one day a few weeks ago I ask Phimpha if she knew what it meant. She said HA HA HA!    Oh! Dull me. The number 5 in Thai is pronounced HA. Same as we use LOL. I had been thinking about that over and over for some reason for many days and weeks. I thought it was quite cute. After I had studied the Bible verses He had given me I thought to myself, I need to remember this. So I turned back a page to see verse # 5. My memory is real bad so I was going to write it down but I did not have to. As I read it I laughed out loud. Isaiah 55:5  Even God knows how bad a memory I have. I am sooooo grateful He has been sooooo patient with me.

Your Brother in Christ

Rodney